Andy Cortez

Andy Cortez is an internet personality and artist best known for helping end the Evolvengeance Wars during his time with the RVGPD, and hosting the hit Internet shows Party Mode, KFAF, and All Sorts of Sports With Andy Cortez during his time with Kinda Funny.

Early Life
Andy Cortez was born in McAllen, Texas on February 16, 199X. The clone of Andromeda Cortez - an esper warlord that had been wrecking havoc across Texas for generations - Andy had been created by the RGVPD (The Rio Grande Valley Psychic Department) with the intention of using him and his psychic abilities to defeat Andromeda, and restore peace to the Lone Star State once and for all.

However, Andy's psychic abilities would only end up manifesting for the first time fourteen years later, when a creepy clown doll that his family had owned for years revealed itself to be an assassin sent by the Republic of Amestris, and attempted to kill Andy by forcing him to watch a 12-hour video of people putting perfectly good Cheerios into garbage bins. After enduring two hours of the torturous montage, Andy was able to use his mind to burst open his restraints, and rip the clown doll assassin to shreds.

While the RVGPD was initially relieved when this happened, this relief quickly turned to dread when Andromeda suddenly arrived at Andy's doorstep the following day, and revealed that Andy's initial manifestation of his powers had alerted him to his clone's existence. The battle that ensued engulfed the entirety of Hidalgo County, as well as part of Willacy County when Andromeda and Andy agreed to take a ten-minute break, and grab some Wendy's in Raymondville. But in the end, Andy was able to emerge victorious after he used his Snape impression to trick Andromeda into thinking that Alan Rickman was behind him, and then knocked him into next Saturday with a Vaseline-filled sock.

The Evolvengeance Wars
Unfortunately, while the battle was over, the war was just beginning. Mere moments after Andromeda's defeat, an earthquake rippled across Texas, and an army of hammer pants-clad espers burst out of the ground. Introducing themselves as the Evolvengers, the army explained that they had been kept trapped beneath the Earth's mantle for decades, and planned on taking over the state now that the warlord was no more.

Unwilling to see Texas usurped by a group so lacking in style, Andy proceeded to spend the next five years fighting the Evolvengers alongside the RVGPD in what would become known as the Evolvengeance Wars, taking down the nefarious group one-by-one using his ever-growing psychic powers. He also went on tour during his period with a band called Ambellina, believing that he had the makings of a modern-day renaissance man, and would be able to excel at a number of different professions all at once. However, after someone pointed out to him that none of the biggest Renaissance artists had played the guitar, he departed Ambellina and took up Competitive Connect Between 3 and 5 (which most scholars agree the Renaissance artists most definitely did play).

Eventually, Andy was able to bring an end to the war after he infiltrated the Evolvengers' hideout in Austin, and defeated their leader - Burnie Burns - in a hypersonic thumb war. But before Andy could finish off Burnie for good, the downed leader dropped a bombshell: the Evolvengers weren't just big fans of hip-hop apparel, they were also clones of Andromeda that had been created by the RGVPD. The department had been manufacturing them since the 196Xs, and had incarcerated them underground just prior to creating Andy, after it became apparent that they weren't strong enough to take out the warlord.

Best Buy and Rooster Teeth
Stunned, Andy let Burnie live, and broke ties with the RGVPD. He couldn't bear the thought that he'd spent the past five years slaughtering prior versions of himself, and decided that it was time he left his past behind. Closing himself off from his psychic abilities, Andy began working at a Best Buy, helping teach countless customers how to power cycle their phones, and learn the difference between Widescreen and Full Screen (okay, I'll admit I'm stretching the truth a little there - despite trying his best, Andy didn't actually succeed in teaching that many customers the difference between the two).

Andy occupied this position until on one fateful Sunday afternoon in the early 2010s, when Burnie Burns waltzed into the Best Buy in search of a spatula. Upon sighting Andy, Burns revealed that he had founded Rooster Teeth following the Evolvengeance Wars' conclusion, and offered him a position at the company as compensation for shattering his worldview years before. Andy initially wanted to join Funhaus (which had just been formed at the time), but ultimately decided to join Rooster Teeth Games, believing that the latter would possess a more delectable selection of carbonated beverages. This belief proved misplaced: upon arriving at Rooster Teeth Games' offices, Andy was horrified to discover that they only had lukewarm Pepsi and Perrier. (They also had carbonated milk - which was actually unexpectedly delicious, but you had to milk the cow first to get it, and Andy couldn't bear the thought of touching the cow's teats with his bare hands).

Swearing that he would one day join Funhaus and drink every diet coke within its walls, Andy subsequently left the studio, and headed westward to San Francisco for a vacation.

Kinda Funny
Upon arriving in San Francisco, Andy was made aware of Kinda Funny's existence after finding a classifieds ad that Kevin had put in the newspaper, in which the latter offered to pay $420 dollars a week to protect him from being bongoed while at work. Intrigued, Andy met with Kevin and the rest of the Kinda Funny crew in person at their office, and eventually decided to just apply to work directly for Kinda Funny (in large part because Kevin revealed that he could only provide Andy with two, separate payments of $210 a week instead of one lump payment of $420, which had been the only reason why Andy had responded to the ad).

While Greg, Tim, and Nick liked the cut of Andy's jib, Cool Greg was initially apprehensive about hiring him, believing that Andy's extensive experience working for the RGVPD made him a Grade-A narc, and that it would only be a matter of time before he busted Nick. After Cortez explained that the P in RGVPD stood for "Psychic," and not "Police," however, Cool Greg became trusting of him - and eventually, the crew all agreed to bring him on in early 2017. Since then, Andy has been one of the pillars of Kinda Funny, producing hit show after hit show for the company without pause. Some speculate that his psychic abilities are what have allowed him to have such a distinguished career with them so far, but Andy contends that its all thanks to the pop tarts he eats (even though he himself admits that the way he eats them is a little...odd).